The Way It Should Be
by Helene2
Summary: A sequel to "The Curse of Immortality". Buffy's POV as she begins her newfound life, and her memories of pulling herself from her despair.


TITLE: The Way It Should Be  
AUTHOR: Helene  
RATING: Same as the Show (PG-13)  
SPOILERS: Not much spoilage, but everything, just in case.  
FEEDBACK: Loved  
  
  
***  
  
It's Christmas. This is my first Christmas as a Vampire, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's like it's a marker in my life, one of the many firsts as a creature of the night. It's ironic really. I always thought becoming a Vampire marked the end of everything, but really, it's not. Not if you retain your soul. I'm sure it's different when you're the demon, but I choose not to dwell on that. I still go out with friends, I still fight evil, I still watch TV, hell I still even shop. I don't go to school anymore, and that's surprisingly quite a let down considering how I used to feel about it, but Angel's a wealth of information, not to mention a pack rat when it comes to books, so I'm not starved for knowledge.  
  
And Angel. Being able to awake in his arms every evening, now that I can spend eternity with him, it's an amazing feeling I wouldn't have without my new guise, so maybe it's not so bad. It's unsettling, to feel the demon within me, to know it's there, but also assuring to know that I can control it, and that I do. I still have issues with drinking blood, but I do it, because instinct tells me it's what I'm hungry for. And the lack of reflection is less than pleasent to deal with, but as comfort, Angel got me a polaroid camera, so I can take a picture and see what I look like every day. I know it sounds vain, but it's not, it's simply how it gets done.  
  
When I first came to him, I was already dealing, but being around him, looking in those understanding eyes, realizing he truly knew my pain, broke the dam of denial I had erected around myself. It was at the end of a fight. It was a typical fight, involving two Vampires, something Angel and I are more than able to handle. I was dusting the ashes from my clothing, when I felt the gritty substance between my fingers, and suddenly realized that substance was me. That it would be me when I died. I wouldn't be a body, I would be pile of ashes. I choked back a frightened gasp and stared at my hand in horror. Angel was at my side in an instant, his hand resting gently on my should in reassurance. I turned to him, still shaking, and held out my fingers. He saw the dust graying them, and his eyes darted to meet mine, realizing what I was thinking.  
  
My legs went out from under me, and I could feel myself falling, and for the briefest of twisted moments, I wondered if I would explode in a chaos of dust, just like my foes did, crashing to the ground and disappearing with a final hiss. Angel caught me and held me, silently promising he wouldn't let me go, never let me fall. I clung to him, and felt like such an idiot, a helpless idiot curling into him like that, a blubbering mess of tears and shaking sobs.   
  
"It's okay Buffy, we'll get through this," he whispered to me. And my unbeating heart felt lighter. He said we'll, not you'll. We were the unstoppable duo we had become in Sunnydale, and I took comfort in the fact that I wasnt alone. He took me home, a name I had assigned the hotel that I know lived with him at. He helped me into my pajamas, because by then I had become an eerily mute statue. He settled me between the warm covers, and I felt myself leaning into his strong prescence. He held my hand, but all I could see were swirl of ashes dancing before my eyes. I was a Vampire, not human. Not me.  
  
  
  
*Present*  
  
  
His arms are still around me, and much as I hate to leave their comforting embrace, I know we have to get up and prepare for a long day of...well preperation. My friends are coming from Sunnydale, and most everyone in the hotel is participating in the big dinner somehow. It's going to be a huge mess if we don't start working now. "Up with you," I murmur into his ears, but he merely mumbles in his sleep. I laugh and kiss him instead, and his eyes open lazily. He smiles that sexy half smile at me and I grin even brighter.  
  
"Morning," I murmur, kissing him again. He strokes my back, running his fingers over the spot at the base of my neck. He knows me to well. I moan softly, and settle my head into his chest. "No fair," I protest.  
  
"What?" he asks, craning his neck to look into my eyes. I smile softly, tracing lazy patterns along his front.   
  
"I'm trying to keep the day organized and you know exactly how to make me want to stay here forever." I sigh sleepily, holding him close.   
  
"What can I say?" Angel teases, toying with a strand of my hair. He kisses the top of my head, and I grin contentedly.   
  
"We really do have to get up."  
  
"Yeah." Groaning tiredly, Angel sits up and climbs out of bed, and I follow suit. I used to hate getting out of bed, leaving the nice warmth and stepping into the cold morning air. But now I can't feel the cold, so it's much more pleasent, especially since I'm waking up with my soulmate. I saunter over to him as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes, and tossle his already tossled hair. "Shower?" I ask.  
  
He smiles down at me and pulls me into the warm water. This will definitely be a good day.  
  
  
  
*Past*  
  
  
When I had the relapse, I began to avoid the kitchen. It was a painful reminder that I didn't eat. I drank, I drank the blood of pigs. It was a thought that sickened me. I began to avoid eating as much as possible, and everyone noticed. Angel stopped eating in worry over me, and that made me feel all the worse. I became a motionless body. I would lie on the couch in the den every night, and close my eyes, not moving. To everyone else I looked dead, and it terrified me that I actually was. I was dead. I didn't breath, my heart didn't beat, I was cold with lack of life. Cordelia would come in each morning and break my silent reveries, shaking my softly, and telling me to get some sleep. Then I would sleep and the nightmares would come.  
  
Then one day I risked a journey to the kitchen. I could see everyone watching me carefully, except Angel, who knew I hated being watched like that, so he kept his face carefully buried in his book. He read to me, when I would lay silent on the couch, and he would talk to me, tell me everything that went on, read me the letters from my friends. He even taught me some Gaelic. It was more the sound of his voice, knowing he was there, even if I wasn't, that kept me rooted to reality, that kept me from grabbing a stake and joining the dust. That went on for 6 months, until I finally entered the kitchen.  
  
When I did, I was jarred harshly back to reality when I realized I wasn't alone. Fred's daughter Tracy was at the counter, her short legs swinging in the high set chair. She glanced up at me, bushy brown curls sticking out in pig tails from her head, and smiled. A pure, unadulterated smile. Still grinning she asked in that childish voice of her's, "Are you hungry?"  
  
I didn't know how to answer. Would she hand me food? I barely nodded, a whisper of a gesture. She hopped from the stool and opened the fridge, and before I could recoil in fear or disgust she had handed me a bag of blood. I stared at her for a moment, shocked, and saw the same innocent smile on her face. A thought struck me, out of the blue. If a child could hand this blood to me, with that perfect, happy smile, was it truly so vile? I took the blood, and sipped it, a soft smile creeping across my face. I took another sip, not feeling disgusted, only sated as my belly received what it craved. I heard a creak behind me, and knew from the tingle that it was my love, my Angel. I reached out a hand behind me, felt him take it gently, a reassuirng, loving squeeze being returned to me, and knew things we're finally becoming okay.   
  
  
  
*Present*  
  
  
"Oh no Tracy! No!" That's the first sound I as come downstairs into the kitchen. Fred is depserately trying to get Tracy to put down the mound of dough she's been kneeding. I chuckle at the sight of the flour donned girl, and she hears me.   
  
"Aunt Buffy!" she cries, and launches into my arms. I catch her with ease and set her down, while Fred looks at me gratefully. I like Fred. When I first met her, she seemed rather eccentric, but she's really grown, and for someone who lived through what she did on Pylea, she's amazing. She pants slightly as she heaves herself, along with her round belly, back to a standing position. I laugh lightly.   
  
"Fred, if you don't stop having kids, we may need to get another hotel!" I tease, and take out the vegetables to chop them.   
  
She smiles that endearing soft smile, and continues to work on the newly retrieved dough. "What can I say?" she asks, gazing fondly at her daughter. "I love them."  
  
I smile at the innocence and love in her voice, and feel a brief pang at the thought that I'll never have my own children. But the moment passes as I feel Tracy hug my leg, and I realize, I have all the children I need. I ruffle her hair, and send her off to play with her brothers and sisters, so that her mother and I can work. No sooner has she skipped into the hall than I hear the familiar booming voice of Xander.  
  
"Anybody home?" he shouts. Wiping my hands I step into the lounge and grin at him. He's surrounded by his family, along with Giles who is holding the youngest in his arms, and Spike, hanging in background, casting Tracy a suspicious, wary look, as she gives him her "I want a piggy back ride" eyes. I greet them with warm hugs, even Anya, who I've learned to love in the past years. It's been a while since I've seen any of them, and I've truly missed them.  
  
"Where's Willow?" I ask after all the greetings. Xander jerks his thumb back to the entrance.   
  
"Preparing Hideko for the fact that she's not allowed to slay anyone here." He shakes his head, and chuckles. "She's a spunky one!"  
  
"The new Slayer?" I ask with interest. Already I feel sorry for the girl. I remember my first years as the Slayer, how much I despised my destiny. Xander nods, and Anya smiles.  
  
"She's really quite nice. Poor thing can't speak much English though."  
  
"I it isn't the one and only Dea-"  
  
"I thought we dropped that Xander," Angel growled goodnaturedly, stepping up behind me. He slides his arms around me, and I relish in the love that passes through our simple touch. Knowing this is forever, it sends a comforting tingle through me, all the way to my toes. I crane my neck and smile, meeting his lips for a tender kiss, nestling my head against his chest as we stand there, greeting our friends.  
  
"Yeah fine," Xander conceded in mock defeat. He wrinkles his nose, and 'tsk's', reminding us all of old times. "Enough with the PDA."  
  
"Xander, you have 3 children, that's more than enough evidence of your DA's," Angel retorts. Willow has finally walked in, a young girl at her side. She seems to hesitate in front of Angel and I, and I know she's honing us, realizing we're Vampire's, but her face softens as Willow speaks to her, no doubt telling her, we're the good Vampire's. She bows when she reaches us, and I smile at her politeness.  
  
"Konnichiwa," she says, and extends her hand. Angel and I shake it. Willow steps in.   
  
"Everyone, this is Kodama Hideko," Willow introduces. "She can't speak much English I'm afraid."  
  
"Ohayo gozaimasu. Boku wa Angel desu. Ogenki desu ka?" I glance up startled as the foreign words roll of my love's tongue. The girl smiles, no doubt pleased at having another person to talk to.  
  
"Genki desu, arigato Angel-san. Angel wa?"  
  
"Genki," he nods. The continue to converse in rapid-fire Japanese, and I admire my love's accent. Very impressive. I'm going to have to learn some languages. I turn to Willow and grab her in a fierce hug.   
  
"I missed you," I whisper. She hugs me back, just as tightly.   
  
"I missed you." She claps her hands together, and I sense a new air of confidence radiating from her. Giles is watching her proudly. His own little Watcher. I laugh, releasing her so that she can speak to the group. "So, what do we do? Where can we put the kids, and what can we cook?"  
  
"Well, the kids can hang out at our place with our kids," Gunn offers, coming downstairs. He has a triplet on each hip, the other gripping his leg. It's quite a sight, and I grab Amy off his leg, giving him the ability to walk properly.   
  
"Hey baby girl," I coo, tickling her feet. she giggles, and blows a raspberry at me. I blow one on her stomach an she shrieks with more laughter. "Angel and I'll herd all the kids upstairs, while you guys go help Fred?" I suggest.  
  
They nod, and I can hear Fred in the kitchen as they enter. "Welcome everyone to my kitchen." For a soft spoken woman she has quite the little General brewing in her. I pick up another of the triplets, and feel Xander's son Spencer grip my shirt tightly, his eyes wide at the ominous room. I ruffle his hair goodnaturedly and Angel I finally get the kids upstairs. I sigh already tired by the time I get the door closed. I wince as I hear a crash, but no crying. Okay, safe to leave. I groan and lean into Angel's embrace, one of his hands circling my waist, the other rubbing his jaw. I turn in his embrace, and lean my hands against his chest.   
  
"My poor baby," I tease, eying his jaw.  
  
Angel chuckles wrily. "That Lawrence has a pretty strong kick." I laugh, and kiss his jaw softly.  
  
"All better?"  
  
  
  
*Past*  
  
  
"Are you feeling better?" Angel asked. He was watching me from the arm chair in the corner. He had been giving me my space, sleeping in the recliner as opposed to the bed, not wanting me to feel like he was pressuring for something. But I knew Angel would never do that to me. That's the gift of pure love. I reached out my hand, he stood up, taking it, following my beckoning. I pulled him next to me, and though my voice was tired and worn, my eyes still somewhat hollow, I managed a genuine, if not ragged smile, and leaned into his arms.   
  
"I'm feeling better," I told him, and I sincerely meant it. I held him tighter. "I'm not 100% great, but I'm doing better." I kissed him softly, felt him return it, and snuggled back into his arms. "And I want to thank you," I whispered, toying with his fingers idly.  
  
"Thank me?"  
  
"For being here for me. Putting up with all this..." I trailed off, searching his eyes for any flare of annoyance, or anger. I'd been a difficult package.  
  
"Buffy, Buffy....sh..." he whispers, stroking my hair. "I didn't put up with anything. I want to help you, I want to be here for you, just like you were for me," and our minds travel back to the times right after his return. Late night blood drop offs, akward glances, the rebuilding of a wounded relationship.  
  
"And you have been. You've been wonderful," I confided.  
  
"You're wonderful."  
  
  
  
*Present*  
  
  
He grins down at me. "Almost," he murmurs, and tilts his head down for kiss. I meet his lips, and wrap my arms around him, feeling him do the same.   
  
"This is nice," I say, stroking his cheek.   
  
"It is," he agrees, hugghing me tightly. We stand there for a moment, just holding one another, basking in the peace of it all, when an uncomfortable throat clearing breaks the moment. We glance up, and see Mrs. Stevens standing there. She's a dear old woman, who's mother was a Karkelin, a healing demon.   
  
"Sorry to bother you," she says, and holds out a casserole. "I wanted to know where to put this... it's for the big dinner tonight."  
  
"Oh, I'll put that in the kitchen for you," Angel offers, and takes the casserole. She smiles appreciatively at him, and sidles up to me.  
  
"You don't let that one go dearie," she coos, and heads back to her apartment. "Oh, and don't you worry about the children," she says. "I'll holler if anything goes wrong."  
  
"Thank you," we both tell her. She smiles, and closes her door.  
  
Angel wiggles his eyebrows mischievously at me. "You hear that, you shouldn't let me go!"  
  
I giggle, and hug his free arm tightly. "Your not going anywhere," I growl.  
  
"Good."  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
Christmas was a success. The entire lobby was converted into a dining hall, lined with fold out tables, and decorated with tinsel, misteltoe and banners of red and green. A large tree that had been hauled in by Wesley, Gunn, Spike and Angel adorned the corner, splendidly decorated, with additions from the children. The dinner was an interesting myriad of demons and humans, and it was nice to find a peaceful mixing of the worlds. The conversations left a hum in the air, and spending time with my friends is wonderful.  
  
"So, how do you like living here?" Willow asks, over a mouthful of mashed potatos. I smile at the immediate joy that bubbles inside me, at the thought of the life I have here.  
  
  
  
*Past*  
  
  
"Fred and Gunn have invited us to dinner," Angel told me. I looked up from the book I had been reading. It was a habit I had picked up in my time with Angel. I had grinned at the thought. We were both having positive influences on one another. He was smiling more, and I was reading more. We were figthing evil with more skill, our effective team back in place.   
  
I set my copy of Hamlet down, and folded my hands in my lap. I looked up at Angel who was waiting for my repsonse, and I cocked my head to the side. "Can we eat food?" I asked him. "I mean, a whole meal?" I tried to remain casual, but I never liked asking questions about what my new Vampire body took and gave me. He knew this sat down beside me, holding me tightly, kissing my forehead.   
  
"We can eat."  
  
"Okay." I smiled, realizing that asking was not as painful as it had been before . It was a comforting thought, to know my pain was lestening. I turned to him, grinning ferally. "Well, I just fed... so I'm not all that hungry... but I can think of ways to work up an appetite," I hinted. He raised his brow, but smiled back.   
  
"Oh?" he asked. "Like patroling? We could patrol."  
  
"Ha ha," I replied, and that was the end of conversation for a long time.  
  
We ended up going to the dinner, and it was one of the nicest meals I had ever had. It wasn't the deliciousness of the food, or the enjoyable conversation that truly made it memorable. It was when I felt truly accepted into my new life. Angel had accepted me of course, from the first second, but I finally felt part of the huge family. Cordy and Wesley had been at the dinner too, smiling, and making me feel all the more welcome. I was acknowledging that I was a Vampire aswell, and it didn't leave me feeling horrible. I felt, at peace. It was wonderful. Angel smiled at me as the we talked and ate. He could see the joy on my face.  
  
  
  
*Present*  
  
  
There's a crash behind us, and a wide-eyed Tracy stares at all of us as our eyes fix on her. She guiltily picks up the pot she's knocked off the table, spilling it's contents to the ground. Fred and Gunn get up to clean it, but Roz'il stops them. He sets his son down on the ground, and the baby demon instantly dashes over to the food, eating it quickly. Everyone laughs goodnaturedly at this, and the eating resumes, the comforting buzz of conversation continuing.  
  
"I love it here," I respond, smiling at my assembled family. My friends from Sunnydale, my friends from LA, my beloved Angel. "I really do. And to think , I died to find this."  
  
I feel Angel's hand give me a reassuring squeeze as I say this. While I've dealt with what's happened, he knows it's sometimes hard for me to think of myself as being dead, no longer, physically a human being. I smile at him, amazed that we've finally come together forever.   
  
Dinner finally finishes, and everyone gathers around the tree. Hundreds of presents litter the surrounding floor, and all the children are the first to dash over the tree, seeking out their presents. Angel and I claim a recliner, with me sitting in his lap. I lean against him, enjoying the sight of the joy before me. Joy I helped create, and am a part of.  
  
I turn to face my lover, and smile at him, grabbing my gift for him from the pile around us. He opens it slolwy and I bounce my foot impatiently. I can see the devilish grin on his face, knowing he's toying with me. "Grrr..." I pretend to growl, and he laughs at my narrowed eyes. He opens the box and gasps. I smile at him a little unsure of his reaction to the gift. It's a combination of his sketches that I found, one of myself, one of him, and another, very old one of his mother. I had them copied and placed together in one large picture as if it is a portrait of all of us standing together, then framed with wood that had angel wings engraved in the corners, and the words 'Always' imprinted in gold script at the bottom. His famous words to me, and I to him.  
  
  
  
*Past*  
  
  
"I like this one," Cordy cried, holding up the dark brown frame. I could see the angel wings that made Cordelia like it so much.   
  
"Oh Cordelia," Wesley exclaimed, taking the frame in his hands. "It's excellent! And a perfect size."  
  
"Cordy, I'm so glad I asked for you help," I had admitted, taking the frame in my hands, envisioning the Always I could have etched in the base. Wesley chuckled as Cordelia brashly exclaimed:  
  
"Well, aren't you glad you came off your high horse and asked for help?" I laughed, surprised at her response, but she stepped to my side, and patted my hand. "Merry Christmas Buffy."   
  
  
  
*Present*  
  
  
"Buffy," he breathes, trailing his hand along the glass. I'm still watching him carefully. He takes my hand and kisses it softly, looking up at me. "This is amazing," he whispers. "Thank you."  
  
"I was hoping you'd like it,"I confide.   
  
He gently presses my hand against his cheek and smiles at me. "It's perfect."  
  
He then pulls out a small box from his pocket, and if I had breath it would hitch in my throat, at my sudden hope of what's in that box. He opens the soft velvet parcel slowy, carefully, and produces a ring, a simple gold band with a diamond set in the center. It gleams in the Christmas lights, and I gasp, because I see by the look in his eyes, that it means exactly what I thought.  
  
"Will you marry me?" he asks, and I all but cry out in joy. I know that sounds corny but I did. It was perfect, completely perfect.   
  
"Yes," I whisper. I nod vigourously, to overjoyed to say anything else. I throw my arms around him, and he holds me tightly, somehow slipping the ring on my finger. I can feel my tears of joy, and his happy laughter rumbling through me. I can hear Anya in the distance, crying, "He did it! He finally proposed guys!" I can hear the entire room erupt in cheers, our family screaming out in happiness for us. And all I can see is Angel, my beloved, my soulmate. Despite everything, despite people going their seperate ways, leaving, and coming back, despite even dying and becoming a Vampire, I've found perfection. And everything's the way it should be. 


End file.
